He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
