My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
