I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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