Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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