whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
