once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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