remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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