He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He shit in the fireplace
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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