he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
