I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
