gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
