When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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