Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
