EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
