rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
