Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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