I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
