Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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