apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
