He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
