Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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