worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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