I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
