I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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