i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
this boner is exhausting
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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