the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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