see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
