Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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