is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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