Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
