mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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