im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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