I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
