I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
