if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm like, not good at living.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
