If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
