Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
