i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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