All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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