Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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