i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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