take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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