My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
