Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
