I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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