my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
