don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
