I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
