I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
