i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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