my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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